Thursday, January 14, 2010

Pleasing Lemony Flavor

Refreshing Warm or Cold

It’s the beginning of a new year. Well, close enough. January 4th, 2010. In my usual form, it’s taken me several months to finally getting around to posting writing to a blog I created in January of 2009. Had to think about it.

Food, the initial focus of the blog, seemed to be an all-purpose subject, one connected to almost every aspect of life in every culture. Spending 10 months in Switzerland in 2007 and 2008, then 3 months in The Republic of Macedonia (I’m aware of the name disputes, thanks) in the early part of 2009 was going to provide the impetus/inspiration for my writing. It certainly did for my eating. After deliberating the pros and cons of various approaches, and still not writing anything, a wise friend suggested that I “just start with something simple.”

And so it is with some irony that my first real posting has not to do with the consumption of food, but rather with its elimination: in a word,”colonoscopy.”

The oscopy of the colon. That really isn’t the part that’s so bad, thanks to modern drugs. It’s the preparation for said oscopy that leaves a lot to be desired. The flushing, purging, cleansing, squeaky cleaning of the colon-that’s the rub, so to speak. Oh, I feel a poo party coming on.

Monday, January 4th

Benny’s Panorama Motel. Rm 105. Got the Queen rate for a King. I’m elated. Oops. Forgot shampoo and crème rinse. Benny provides thin packets of generic shampoo. Hope doctor doing the colonoscopy isn’t bothered by flyaway hair.

2pm (was supposed to start at 10am) Drink one 10oz bottle of Magnesium Citrate. Hm, not so bad. Chilled on ice and it could pass for a refreshing summer, uh laxative. Unfortunately, no ice in the room.

2: 15pm Hang up clothes and change into loose sweat pants and fleece top. Easy to remove. Dark colors. No slippers. Decide to leave socks on.

2:20pm Turn on tv. End up on Food channel. Bobby Flay is grilling shrimp, making avocado spinach salad, and this lady is making grilled strawberry shortcake.

2:22pm Decide Food Channel bad idea for viewing material.

3:30pm Call John. Video Skype and show him Benny’s microwave and floral bedspread. Had to abruptly end call.

4pm Down another bottle of Magnesium Citrate. It has that je n’sais pas quoi taste. No, I do know what. It’s that ‘pleasing lemony flavor’ that I’ve grown so fond of.

4:10pm Switched from Food Channel to Dr. Oz program on health and weight loss. Feeling lighter already, just watching.

4:20pm Switched to Transporter 2. Turned TV to be seen from more convenient viewing area.

4:45pm Briefly imagine being transported by Jason Stratham. Sip Gatorade Ice. Take 4 Dulcolax tablets as directed.

5pm Return to horizontal position on bed. Doze off. Awake reminded of joke about three old men with elimination problems in nursing home. One can’t urinate; one can’t eliminate; one has no problem with either. Don’t ask.

10pm Polish off last 32oz orangeade Gatorade mixed with bulkolax. Feeling ethereal with slight headache.

Tuesday, January 5th

6:45am Arrive at hospital. Find registration lady incredulous that I ask for price of procedure and itemized bill. ‘No one’s ever asked before,’ she says.

7:15am Arrive in pre-op room. Shed clothes, except socks. Don hospital gown, back open. Notice chest pocket has no bottom. Take little white pill that nurse says, ’is for gas.’ Lay down on gurney.

7:30am Still trying to erase image of camera in my rectum avoiding 'gas' bubbles.

7:31am Wonder what is annual salary of colonsocopy-doers.

8am Rolled into operating room. Greet doctor. Doctor avoids eye contact. Check out computer screen where I will be seen from inside out.

8:03am Get hooked up to IV sedation.

8:05am Comply with nurse’s direction to roll onto left side and bring knees to chest.

8:43am Open eyes. Focus on post-op room ceiling tiles.

9:45am Receive discharge papers, four photos taken inside colon and rectum. Don’t appear to be smiling in photos.

9:48am On way out, take piece of hard candy from reception desk. Taste pleasing lemony flavor.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Anyone for Macedonian MOONPIES?